and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
