I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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