haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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