She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I die, sorry about rent.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
