Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
