The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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