the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
