this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
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