I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize