Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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