I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
