Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
