Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
