i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
