I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
