it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize