dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
