Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
