Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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