Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
