cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
