if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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