Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
