remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
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