well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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