Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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