the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize