Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
