my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
