I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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