WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize