Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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