yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
