well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
