You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
