I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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