he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I think your dad took our porno
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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