he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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