Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the day after is always just damage control
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
