forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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