Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I can't turn off my feet"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
