The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
