i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
