he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
