This is not my ceiling
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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