omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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