the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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