Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
