Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
