i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so let's talk penis.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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