good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
