ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
