Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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