Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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