our cab driver is having phone sex.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Randomize
