then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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