Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
never play flip cup with pint glasses
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
