She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
