I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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