the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
