Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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