Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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