I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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