hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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