I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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